a little ruby

This might seem like another far fetched one, but this actually got me thinking about godliness, so its legitimate! I spent this last weekend being very mean to other Christians, badgering and ordering them around, screaming at them, cursing at them, making them feel worthless and small, stupid and inhuman, making their lives miserable, stealing things from them, forcing them to do things they do not want to do. And all of this in the name of Jesus, for His glory. If the context is not already understood, this situation cannot be FATHOMED by a believer… that it could be possible for one Christian to do these things in the name of Christ. But it was for a class called contemporary world missions, where students are required to go through a refugee simulation. Being a part of the team putting on the simulation, I was a rebel force all weekend and my job was as described above. The purpose in this weekend is to prepare individuals to face some hard and harsh realities that exist overseas should they choose to work in oversea mission fields. It is to stir compassion and empathy in the student’s hearts and to spur them on to pray desperately for those in physical and spiritual distress all across the globe, knowing that Christ hurts deeply for these individuals. Therefore, what I was doing was cursing for Jesus, as my professor put it.

The point I’m making is that we cannot define godliness by what someone is doing, but always including the heart it is coming from. Of course there are situations where the heart may seem to be in the right place, but what is being done is absolutely inappropriate. Basically, both are essential. It is possible for someone to push around another person for God’s glory. God, help our judgementalism, our expectationism, our legalism, our preconceived accurate ways of doing spirituality.

This past week I had to make a pretty difficult decision. I have never been one prone to lying. In fact, lying has not been an option for me for most of my life and I feel that I can count on my fingers the number of times I have lied. However, a recent situation came up in which I was very tempted to deceive.

I applied with SIM to spend two or three months in Kenya with a team of nursing students that will be working in the bush. I was accepted onto the team after a long application process and pretty excited about this. I then received the orientation packet that I was asked to read through, and found out that they do not allow any person who has engaged in homosexual act within the last five years to go on any short or long term mission experience. That is when the temptation began. I was not at all tempted to lie if I was straight up asked, but it was just a little paragraph thrown into a huge packet of information and I assumed that most people didn’t even take the time to read through the packet to the entirety that I did. It would have been so simple to miss that paragraph. It was just SIM policy to throw it in, and they couldn’t be that serious about it. It wasn’t the end of the world if I just never read it, or something, and therefore never confessed it.

So, I waited a couple week to see if I would get accepted into the two nursing externships I wanted most if I could not go to Kenya. Apparently knowing whether or not I had an alternative for my summer would somehow make a difference in my decision to deceive SIM or not. I did not get into either program. The very next day after I got my second rejection letter, I called the contact I have been in touch with at SIM and shared with him that I did not qualify based on their homosexual behavior policy. He encouraged me over and over that he was so deeply encouraged that I had confessed this and that most people would not have ever let SIM know. He said things to me that I cannot presently fathom about myself and the distant place I am at spiritually—things about integrity and honesty and even honor. Although it was a conversation that would deliver very disheartening news, it was one of the most encouraging conversations I have had all semester. He spent a few days praying and speaking with a couple people at SIM and called me back to let me know that I would not be able to join the team to Kenya. Something so incredible would not leave my mind, though. Aaron shared with me that he loved me, that his twin sister has the same struggle, that he knows so intimately what this struggle involves and its roots, that he hurts for me deeply and cares so intensely for my spiritual walk with the Lord. While I was aware that he was laying down the rules, I felt absolutely no rules or authoritarian-ship or pride or superiority coming from him. I just felt a lot of love, a lot of humility of his own weakness, and a lot of caring. God has used Aaron to instill a drop of desire in me to pursue Him again, and since that conversation that has been growing still.

As much as my action to share the truth about my situation, knowing I would probably be disqualified from something I dream about doing, I am blessed by God in that small act of godliness, through both Aaron’s heart and through the peace I have that I am not pursuing that experience with a lie festering under my skin. This is an excellent example of how pursuing godliness, truth, integrity, and so forth does not always (or maybe even often) give us the results we most desire, but that regardless, it is best. I am paying for my sin with regard to sexuality, but Jesus has had grace on me and has spared me from paying for my sin of lying as well.

(23 jan: day 3/5 on Civil Rights Bus tour)
This is somewhat poorly written, but it is a free flow of thoughts from a time of more emotion than I’ve had in months.

I’ve been nervous to write an update on where I am at in the “pursuit” of godliness, but it seems a little easier right now, on the bus tour. The association between my story and godliness may seem a bit far fetched, but it really does parallel. Stick with me. We’ve travelled around several cities in the South, visiting some pretty significant civil rights landmarks/museums/etc. Tonight we watched the movie “Rosewood” on our way to Memphis (from Birmingham, AL). After the movie during our debrief time, a lot of people discussed the intensity of hatred displayed by the men in the movie. It was an awful account of a massacre of up to 300 African American men in a Florida town in 1923. The white leaders of this small town grouped together over the lie of one white woman, looking for black blood. They drank up each night they went out and brutally murdered any black person in sight. This is obviously some intense hatred. But as many students went on discussing this “hatred” by the white men, I continued to feel a sense that the word hatred was missing the mark. It didn’t accurately described what I saw in those men. Instead, what I saw was numbness. Absolute apathy... Frozen cold hearts.

The premise of my paper on godliness was basically that godliness is not simply moral compliance, but a initiative toward love; a pursuit to display reverence toward God through ACTIVE love. Resisting temptation is not the empitome of godliness, but passionate love towards others is. This movie showed me a dark reflection of my own apathy, and therefore my own lack of godliness. Perhaps many of my decisions and actions are moral and even respectable. However, due to the coldness of my heart as of late, I believe I am capable of a lack of action, a careless apathy, a numb dismissal, toward the valuable hearts of others. Had the men in that movie displayed hatred, I might have felt a little less sick. They would have been passionately displaying something. But instead, the lukewarmness made me want to puke. Apparently God too. “So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth” (Rev. 3:16).

Those men drank their feeling hearts away, were turned so cold that they could not regard the value of other breathing, bleeding men. One of them said that lynching a black man feels no different than snapping a cat’s neck.

Have we become this cold about things that matter so significantly to the heart of God? Maybe our legalism (nonacceptable of God’s grace) is a cold rejection toward what the Father has done for us. I know that my heart is not fierce for much of anything right now, and is therefore ungodly. Lukewarm. But- There is one flame that is flickering, even growing, in my heart: a burning desire to be hot again. To be so hot that I can pursue godliness with honesty. That I am not simply living morally, but I am fiercly running toward each day that actively displayed the love of Christ. That I am going far out of my way to initiate loving people. That I am going above and beyond sinlessness and acting in GODliness.

So, there has been little progress in godliness itself, but great progress in the desire for godliness. Perhaps an active longing for godliness is godly. It doesn't really matter in the end- Jesus is going to finish His work in me, even through these valleys.

I'd rather be reading than writing, but here I am anyway...

I don't know why I'm so stuck on this livejournal. I can't seem to let go. I even printed out every entry from 2000 at one point, just in case, for whatever reason, the internet lost my journal. I had a teenopendiary that got lost once and it devestated me. That would be like burning one of my real journals. I couldn't imagine! I don't know how some people do it. I know its symbolic of moving on past old and into the new and forgetting the past, and that is all well and good.. But my memory is so faded, so distorted. Without journals and whatever else recorded stuff I'd forget half my life, and I dont want to. It's so fascinating to me to go back to my journals from middle school and see the things I was going through, see the things that were so heavy on me, and what I got from it all, the big picture later and how much I learned from all those little experiences.

So college is cool. Little things are creeping up under my skin that have me a bit on edge... Air Force ROTC medical complications, working out enough (for the AF and for Gym class), and being involved in a bible study and/or ministry while still having room for class and stuff. I'm honestly nervous of being as tired as I was all day today, everyday. Granted, I slept at 1:30 am last night. But, I slept in all 4 of my classes today! Every single one of them consisted of nodding off. I was in the front row in two, too. It was bad. And I was trying SO hard, why, why can't I be like most people and stay awake when I want to? Most people make the decision to fall asleep in class. Not me, I am fighting so hard when my eyes are suddenly blackened and something startling jerks me awake. Anyway, I guess coffee in the morning may need to become a habit.

So, little things, but more than a few. Father take the burdens, help me be disciplined! I really should sleep by 12 or 12:30 at the latest for my 8 am days...
Honestly, completely and totally sincerely, all I want is Jesus... I so wish I had the time to be digging out the Word alll the time. I have that craving hard core lately, and I hate to not have the time to be constantly filling it. I love chapel everyday, mainly.. the worship songs everyday.. It just sets my eyes on the kingdom instead of earth and myself, its such a good way to begin the day (except for my 2 classes before chapel.....) Thats something I really love about here. Intimacy, more and more! Its all in the consistancy.

Love type
Who knows why I took this.. but extraordinarily accurate

So you’re running forward
and its okay
you’re still going
and its okay
until something slides
and with nothing different
you cannot go on
its still okay
but the forward became still
the run became stand

and they say you’re always going
forward, backward maybe
always going

but no, definitely No
you’re not
you’re still okay
just lost the muscles
sucked from the bottom of your skin

everything you held
and everything you did
didn’t undo you
it just quit you
well whatever it did, it didn’t keep you
you didn’t keep it and it was gone
its still okay
you’re just dead for now

So, I guess it's time. Even though the time is far too late for me to be up when church is tomorrow..

I don't know why I suddenly feel lonely. I mean, besides the fact that I'm PMSing, or most like DURINGMSing? Paul and my little bro and I went to the Katonas tonight and played Talkin Tango for almost 2 hours. And it ended up being the constant joke that I was "bitter" about everything because I was going through "women's suffrage." It wasn't so bad, the first 5 times....

I wish I had deep thoughts. Back when I used to have deep thoughts as my only thoughts, I prayed that my mind would somehow become more simple. But now, when life seems to be so simply fine, so simply okay, so simply distant from God, and my thoughts don't deepen past my art projects and creative writing homework, i miss the thinking... I don't think the thinking could ever really stop from being so fast and so everywhere, but the lots of thoughts fast are just so shallow these days. I need new revelation or teaching from the Lord. But I guess that takes some effort and discipline on my part, doesn't it? Discipline..... Not so much my thing.

I need somebody right now. It's one of those times! Just sitting here, wanting somebody special to talk to, about nothing or about something, whatever. I suppose God's sitting up there in the throne, looking down on me, hoping and hoping He'll be the one. He's saying "me! me! I'm here! I'm someone special you can talk to about nothing or about something or whatever!" And I'm down here, pretending not to hear, and then praying to Him that theres somebody I can talk to, like Ashley answering her phone or Cheryl miraculously signing on at 2:20am.

But maybe its scarier to be intimate with God? Maybe I distance myself on purpose... I love Him so passionately but occasionally don't want to hear His voice, because then I might have to give up more, and more, and more of myself. But I can't imagine why that would be a subconcious fear. I love giving myself up, quite honestly. Sometimes thats a benefit to having a low self esteem about SELFliness. It's nice getting rid of more of myself. But I then have a healthy esteem of the princess the Lord's made in me. It's that spirit in me, the reborn child of God that even sometimes awes me. So I dont understand why I could ever be scared or even too lazy to be as intimate with God as I could. And yet, its almost as if I moved away, and we slowly are keeping touch less and less... God, help me. Blessed be His name, anyway.

( The Secrets of my soul! )

Well Matt John, I was inspired.

CAMP FARTHEST OUT: Kick butt hard work with nursery kids 4 years old and under all day, but a blast. I've never heard so many cute things in my life...
One 4 year old, Raena, is pooping, and asks me to sing to her. So I do. Then she asks me
"How old are you?"
"16"
"When will you be 17?"
"In a couple weeks"
"When will you be 63?"

later, during the same poop, she asks me
"When are you getting married?"
"When I find a husband"
"Oh. Well, when I am a big girl, I will help you find a husband."
"Okay. When are you getting married, Raena?"
"In 60 years"


then NYSUM!: This mission trip to NYC was tough, in so many ways. Spiritual warfare from every direction... but only because God was doing really huge things. And the "best" part was when our flight got cancelled on Sunday night due to weather, and we got to enjoy another night in the wonderful nysum bunks.

Well, in the mean time, I get my senior pictures taken tomorrow. And Laura is taking me to a blood drive for my birthday, lol. I guess theres a city drive that day, and since you have to be 17 to give blood, its a perfect thing to do (yes, other than seeing an R movie without any big kids). But I'm going to go make Katers' birthday gift now ;)

And Marie.... I love you to the stars, darling.

So I can stab you in the arm with a needle, shove an IV in you, or suck your blood. I can "correctly" tie a tournaquet, put on sterile gloves without contaminating them, clean a trache, take vital signs, look at the veins in your eyes, and pretty much eat you alive. I'm GOING TO BE A NURSE. Yay!!!!
I think I'll probably end up going to Cedarville (where nursing camp was at) because the nursing program is amazing and they teach nursing as a ministry, not a job, which is exactly what I'm looking for. Especially since my heart is set on the mission field. That is my dream, desire, passion, longing, everything...!

ANnndd... more hell brewing in the "family". Trying to hang on to what I know, to what my mind is telling me to be the truth and to be the best way to deal with things, but my flesh keeps coming in the way, it keeps offering alternative ways of handling what I'm being dealt. I often wonder how much of our own strength is required to recieve God's strength, in order to overcome or deal with something. I'm pretty sure whatever amount of strength is required of me is more than what I've got. Lord FILL ME.

Went to Anders Engnell's baseball game last night, they lost by one, then stayed over there. We went to Toys R Us this afternoon and hung out at their house after that. Nice get away..